I Want My Mama!!!

After I hung up from the phone call with my wife, when I first learned of her breast cancer, I was nearly overwhelmed with the new information I was processing. How was this going to affect our family. My wife homeschools our oldest son. How is that going to work if she is recuperating from surgery, or if she is enduring the ordeals of chemotherapy or radiation for months at a time?

Your mind goes wild with speculation at a time like this. What if we were to lose her? I would lose my sweet companion that I hold so dear. I cannot imagine the void that I would feel in my heart, and the prospects of going on through life alone. The kids would be devastated to lose their mother. And how would I cope if I suddenly were to find myself in the role of a single father?

You start getting a better appreciation of just how valuable your wife’s contributions are to the family, when faced with the possibility that she might not have the health to continue doing the everyday things that she does for us -- or in a worst case scenario, not be there at all!

After a few moments of panic and fear, I reeled my wild thoughts and emotions back to reality. We don’t know that any of these worst case scenarios are going to play out. All indications are that her cancer is in its early stages, and that its highly treatable. Now is not the time to jump to conclusions or to start worrying unnecessarily. We'll just have to take each day, one at a time, step-by-step. That's all we can do. We'll enlist the support of God, our family, friends and loved ones. This is something we will have to face together.

At a time like this, I needed to talk to my mother. Even though it was getting late (nearly 11:00 pm) I knew that my mom would still be awake. She has always been a source of strength to me, throughout my life. She always has sound advice and suggestions. She has always been a source of hope and inspiration. I called her on my cell phone as I was wending my way back home from the mountain top. We probably talked for about 45 minutes.

In that phone call, I learned that my mom had heard of Dawn Ann’s breast cancer, even before I did, since I was out of cell phone range up at the campground. Earlier in the day, Dawn Ann had called my mother to make arrangements for the kids while we went to the appointment with the Surgeon the next day (Friday, August 24th) . My mother is always a great one to help out in any way possible.

My Mom commented that Dawn Ann had seemed strangely upbeat during her phone call, as she had been with me as well. We were surprised by her lack of panicking. Her attitude helped us to better grapple with the bad news.

It was a great comfort to talk my mother right away after hearing the news. It was good to just talk it out to help relieve some of the emotions that I was feeling. I am so grateful for her willingness to help out. I know we will be calling upon her for help many times in the coming months. Thanks for being there for us, mom!

The Biopsy

On Monday, August 20th, my wife was scheduled for biopsies on two places on her right breast following suspicious spots found during a routine mammogram screening.

There were two spots of concern on her right breast. One spot was an area where micro calcification crystals had formed. A second spot was a lump about the size of a chocolate chip. The radiologist who conducted the biopsies was more concerned about the calcifications than he was with the lump.

After the biopsy of the micro calcifications was complete, the radiologist turned his attention to the second spot – the lump. First, the radiologist penetrated the lump with a small needle with the hope of siphoning off some cells from it. However, the mass was more solid than liquid, and he felt like the sample was iffy at best. The radiologist was not overly concerned with the characteristics of the lump. In fact, he gave Dawn Ann a choice as to whether or not she wanted to have a full biopsy of the lump. The radiologist was far more concerned with the calcification spots.

Dawn Ann had to make a choice: undergo another full biopsy, or hope for the best on the second site. If it turned out that the calcification crystals were cancerous, then the breast would be more fully tested for other cancer locations. However, if the suspicious calcification spots turned out to be benign, then she would always wonder and worry if the lump was cancerous or not.

Dawn Ann made the choice to undergo another full biopsy on the lump. As the second biopsy took place, the radiologist took 3 or 4 tissue samples from it, which got most of the lump tissue. Now she had complete samples of both trouble spots that could be examined by the pathologist.

Of course I was not able to be with her during this process due to hospital rules. However, I completely supported her decision to get the full biopsy on the lump. In fact, I would have advised her to make the same choice, had I been present. The peace of mind – of knowing for sure - one way or the other, was worth it.

The Phone Call That Changed Our Lives

After getting down of the mountain from my son’s high adventure camp, I found a place just outside the town of Huntsville, Utah where I could get cell phone service. It was Thursday, August 23rd, at about 10:00 at night.

I pulled my truck over to the shoulder of the road, said a prayer, and steeled myself for the phone call that could change our lives forever. I did not want to be driving, and having this discussion at the same time. I wanted to give my full attention to my sweetheart.

I placed the call, and Dawn Ann answered the phone just like normal. She asked me how my day had gone. I told her about the campsite in the mountains (Camp Browning) where I had spent the day with our son, Bryan.

She asked about the activities at the camp. We chatted on for several minutes -- her spirits seemed high. Subconsciously, I was thinking that maybe the biopsies had come back negative, and that she was cancer free! Or, that perhaps no results had come in yet. You could not tell from how well composed she was, or by the tone of her voice that anything was wrong.

Finally, I flat out asked her if she had heard anything back from the Women’s Center. She said that the results had come in, and that it was cancer in both places. She also told me that it was likely that a mastectomy was going to be necessary. Then she said that form of cancer that she has is highly treatable, and that it was detected early.

The news hit me like a ton of bricks. However, I did not want to dampen her seemingly good spirits. So I tried to keep things positive in our conversation. I couldn't tell if her good attitude was from being buoyed up by the hand of the Lord, or if the full force and impact of what she was saying had just not fully hit her yet.

In the end, I think it was the Spirit of the Lord that was holding her up, at least until I could get home to comfort her. Dawn Ann is a nurse (RN) by training, and it would be silly to think that she didn't really understand what was happening here. However, sometimes emotions can have a delayed impact. I'm sure that there are going to be many ups and downs emotionally over the next months, and probably years as we go through this process.

Dawn Ann went on to tell me that the Women’s Center had recommended the same surgeon that my rheumatologist had recommended – the one that specializes in breast surgery.

At first she was told that it usually takes two-to-three weeks to get an appointment with the surgeon, and that the doctor was going to be on vacation during the last week of August (which we already knew from my doctor).

About an hour and a half later, the Women’s Center called back to inform Dawn Ann that ther had been a cancellation at the doctor's office, and they wanted to know if we could meet with the surgeon the next day (Friday, August 24th), which was the last day before the doctor was going to leave town. Dawn Ann had gratefully accepted the appointment for the next day. We both feel that there may have been some divine intervention on our behalf in order to get that appointment so quickly. I would have hated to be in limbo so long before the initial consultation.

As our phone call continued, I expressed my love and support for my dear wife. My only thought was for her health, well being, and trying to keep her with us (and with our family) for as long as possible.

Finally, as I sat there in the dark, on that lonely road in Huntsville, Utah, my chief desire was to hold her in my arms, and to pray with her. We closed out the phone call, and I fired up the truck, and started for the road home – with a prayer In my heart for the welfare of my wife, and for our family.

How It All Began

On Thursday August 9th, my sweetheart, Dawn Ann, went in for a routine mammogram. We didn't think much of it until the Women's center called back the next Monday and asked her to come back in for a more detailed exam. There were some troubling spots on the right side.

The second mammogram took place on Tuesday, August 14th. Dawn Ann brought the kids over to my office so they could stay with me, while she went over to the Women’s Center nearby. This was a "diagnostic" mammogram, which included digital imaging which focused on some calcification spots. A sonogram was also used to focus on a suspicious growth in another part of the same breast.

At the conclusion of the second radiological exam, it was determined that further investigation was needed, and that biopsies were needed of both suspicious spots.

It so happened that on the same day (Tuesday) that I had an appointment with my Rheumatologist. He is my most trusted medical adviser. After our regular visit regarding my arthritis, I mentioned to the doctor that my wife had gone in for a follow-up mammogram earlier that day, and that there were areas of concern which would require a biopsy.

I asked him for some recommendations of good oncologists, should the outcome of the biopsies reveal cancer present. My doctor told me of several recommendations for surgeons and oncologists. He told me that the first stop would probably be with a surgeon, since if cancerous, the spots would need to be removed surgically. Then depending on the type of cancer, chemo or radiation therapy might be necessary.

Then he paused for a moment, before making recommendations for a surgeon. He told me that there were only two doctors in town who specialize in doing surgery on the breast. He said that most any general surgeon could do the job, but that he would recommend one of these specialists if it were up to him. – He paused for a moment, and then added, and one of them is my wife! He gave me a list of recommendations, which included his wife.

Of the two breast surgeon specialists, my rheumatologist’s wife was the only one on the preferred list of doctors from my health insurance provider. He also told me that they would be out of town on vacation during the last week of August, but that they try to get women in as soon as possible, if there is a new diagnosis of cancer.

I felt better having a little more knowledge and some recommendations to draw upon, should the need arise.

The biopsies took place on Monday, August 20th. Grandma took care of the kids, and I joined Dawn Ann at the Women’s Center for the biopsies. Unfortunately they would not allow me into the room where they were doing the procedures. I would like to have been there to comfort my sweetheart, and hold her hand during the biopsies, but I could not. They had a big sign in the waiting room: "FAMILY MEMBERS ARE NOT ALLOWED IN THE EXAMINATION ROOMS!"

One fellow waiting for his wife's routine mammogram made a wry observation about the sign: "Does that mean that only family members are excluded from the exam rooms, but that anyone else IS allowed in there?" We had a good chuckle over that one! It was good to have a moment to smile during an otherwise tense time. I recognized the fellow who joked about the sign. At one time he was a county commissioner. The last time I saw him, he was serving as a sealer in the Temple. I knew I was in good company.

After the biopsies were complete, The Women's Center told us that it would take two to three days for results to come in. I took Dawn Ann home, and made her as comfortable as possible, and then picked up the kids from my mother’s house.

Two days later, on Wednesday, August 22nd was our Stake Temple Day. I took the day off from work, and Dawn Ann and I, along with many of our fellow church members spent the day worshiping at the Jordan River Temple. It gave us time to contemplate, and to pray. We asked for the Lord's help, that if possible, this cup might pass from us. But nevertheless, let His will be done. And if this cup were not pass from us, then we asked for comfort and strength to endure well, and to overcome what trials we may be called upon to bear.

After leaving the temple late in the afternoon, I turned on my cell phone, and checked our home voicemail. No messages from the Women's center. I was kind of relieved. Subconsciously I was probably thinking that no news was good news.

I had previously arranged to Thursday, August 23rd off from work, so that I could spend the day at my son's High Adventure Camp. This camp was located at Camp Browning, just outside of Huntsville, Utah. The camp is about 70 miles away from home, up a narrow mountain canyon. There was no cell phone service at the camp.

Even though I could not talk to Dawn Ann on the phone, I was thinking of her, and praying for her in my prayers.

After the evening activities at the camp, I drove down off the mountain in my truck. I found a place, on the outskirts of the town of Huntsville where I could park, and also receive cell phone service. I did not know what this phone call might portend, but I knew that this it had the potential to be a life-changing event.

I said one more little prayer to myself, and called home.

To be continued . . .

New Diagnosis - DCIS in Two Spots

This week, my dear wife was diagnosed with DCIS or Ductal Carcinoma In Situ. This is a non-invasive form of breast cancer.

The good news is that this form of cancer is virtually 100% curable.

The bad news is that because the DCIS is in two places on the same breast, and quite a distance apart from one another -- treatment will require a mastectomy. At this point it does not look like chemotherapy, or radiation treatment will be necessary.

This is not a battle that we have chosen. However, it is now a reality in our lives, and will forever affect our and family.

I am 100% behind my wife in this. I will support her in any way I can to help her through this time of great challenge and need.

We do not know why this challenge is ours, but we place ourselves in God's hands, and will trust in his plan for us.

Just in the few days that I have been involved in the breast cancer world, I have found minimal resources for husbands of breast cancer patients. In my own small way, I hope to perhaps be of benefit for other husbands who have and will go through this same experience.

This blog will be a place for me, as a husband of a Breast Cancer patient to express my feelings, and to relate our experience with breast cancer as we go through the treatment process over the next few months and years.

It will also give me an emotional outlet as we journey through this experience together.